Why, you may ask, would I pay $15 to sit through Resident Evil: Afterlife? Well, there’s a good reason. Boredom. I was getting some new Alpine SPS-600C component speakers for my car and I needed to kill 90 minutes. I didn’t have my headphones so I couldn’t go for a walk listening to my podcasts. Eating lunch somewhere would only take about a half hour, and there were no Blue Boars in the area. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand (ok, we know there’s not just “one” thing I can’t stand), it’s waiting. So I headed to the local AMC, and the only movie that would be over before Al & Ed’s closed was Resident Evil: Afterlife in Imax 3D. I got my peanut M&M’s and filled up my water bottle (they make you empty it before entering the AMC), and was given a pair of 3D glasses (well, they gave me a 2nd pair after I mentioned the first pair was covered in filth, which the girl handing out the glasses couldn’t see. I had to point out to her that the filth was on the part you look through to see things. You know, the lens). I entered the crowded (6 people) auditorium and prepared to kill some time.
There were the customary trailers that never seemed to end. The one that sticks in my memory is Megamind. Not that it was memorable, but that it looked like a steaming bowl of skunk drippings. Here is my recent letter to Dreamworks:
Now, Paul W.S. Anderson is not someone I consider to be, um, how shall I say it it? Good. Yes, he is the opposite of good. He is so opposite, that if he ever came in contact with good, he would cause a cataclysmic explosion. He is ungood. However, I hear he’s a nice guy, and I don’t dislike Milla Jovovich. Як ся маєте Milla?. Моє судно на повітряній подушці наповнене вуграми. For some reason I have actually seen the other Resident Evil movies (thanks HBO and boredom). So I wasn’t completely lost when sitting down to this one. Well, that’s not true. I was completely lost when this one started because I had totally forgotten I’d seen the last one and didn’t know how it ended. I didn’t even remember Ali Larter being in the last movie (I like you too Ali, but Heroes was a festering boil of putrescence. I’ll give you most of season 1, except for that Peter character. He needed to die of infected anal fissures).
Wait, what was I talking about? Something just reminded me of my last doctor visit. Getting old sucks kids. Start having lots of babies now so you can stock up on those replacement organs. Oh right, Resident Evil. Ok, so there’s lots of running, lots of bullet-time bullshit, and so much pointless super slow motion, I thought I was watching another Zack Snyder P.O.S. (Snyder is another of the ungood walking the Earth. That’s right nerds, I said it). So anyway, Milla is searching for the mythical Arcadia, where there’s a promise of food/shelter and a zero tolerance for zombies. Along the way she picks up Ali Larter who’s suffering amnesia and has the thing from Cronos stuck to her chest. Since this is another global disaster movie, we have to be treated to seeing the destroyed Los Angeles.
Note to movie people: stop treating us to destroyed images of Los Angeles. It’s a redundant cliche (cliche’s are redundant by nature, right?). It’s as amusing as seeing another old person act like a teenager. Yeah, it might’ve been cute that first time in the 7up commercial, but it ain’t cute anymore. We old fogies don’t wanna be teenagers again. Being a teen sucked. I’ll take my early 30’s. Still had my hair, white teeth, joints that didn’t click, and I didn’t need boner pills (out of necessity). Pick a new coastal town to destroy. What about Myrtle Beach? You can show the burned out remains of all the mini-golf places (then maybe I could get rid of that blasted time-share).
I could give away the rest of the movie, because frankly, there’s nothing new here, but my oatmeal is almost ready and I’m hungry. But I’ll tell ya this – the entire movie felt like a set up to something bigger. I kept expecting the main characters to escape from where they were and get on with the main part of the plot. It was like if Indiana Jones never left the university and just talked about stuff. Maybe a couple Nazis try to rough him up, but nothing interesting ever happens. It’s a 90 minute tease with a couple Big Boss fights thrown in that never really had any jeopardy. When the credits start rolling, be warned (if you actually care) not to bolt for the exits or you’ll miss a little extra somethin’.